I haven’t had the opportunity to thank you for reading my posts, so thank you. I use to journal with pen and paper but this works better. I love to share my life in the hope of inspiring others to greater things. It is liberating when we read about other people and we realize we are all mostly just as normal as the next guy.
I wasn’t going to write anything right away, just let the events of yesterday settle in for a little while. But I can’t stand it. I have to write. I guess if I had someone I could call at 11-ish pm at night, I might not have to write but I am the only person I know that doesn’t have a job to wake up to in the morning.
I am grateful that my family asked me to move back home. My parents are coming up on age 80 soon and I didn’t want to get the call in the middle of the night to “Come quick” so together we planned my return. It has given me an incredible opportunity to spend time with my folks that I would not have otherwise had. I feel blessed beyond measure. But this wasn’t in my plan. It wasn’t my idea to divorce after 29 years. While we had our issues, we could have worked them out, but he decided he wanted to finish life his way. I had pictured us retiring soon and traveling some and enjoying our grand kids together. But God had other plans. My vision was not His and sometimes I become weary waiting on God.
I have a slight crush (that sounds very silly for someone my age) on a guy my family knows better than I do. That feels really weird to say but during the years while I was elsewhere, their paths crossed almost daily. So, I have resisted saying anything to him except for casual conversation and always in the company of other family members. I have wanted to say something several times but I always back off because if this is something that God wants to happen, it will happen in God’s timing, not mine. And I don’t want to mess it up before God gets a chance to do His thing. Besides, I am still old fashioned and I never liked the idea of making the first move. I also figure since he is single and all that, if he were interested in spending time with me, he would ask. I am learning to wait on God but I will admit that waiting on God is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Phew! Now that that is out, I feel better.
I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North this morning called “Worn”. I have heard this song a few times but today, for some reason, it grabbed me.
“I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world”
I don’t like lingering in my fear and doubt. I hate it when I remember my mistakes and then I wonder how badly I crushed Jesus’ heart by not allowing Him to be my God. Then I remember I am human. He became human so He would understand us. And when He forgives us, we know He knows how we feel because He has been there too. Jesus experienced every emotion we ever will in the short time He lived on earth. He knows what it is like to feel “worn” and He knows what we need to be redeemed. It is His gift to us. And it is always free.
Father, thank You for loving me with an enormous heart. Please forgive me for breaking Yours. I love you dearly, Amen!