The Vanishing Door

Co-dependency was a joke to me. I didn’t understand it completely so I thought it was a controllable state of mind. Little did I know that it was a conditioned state of mind not of my own doing. I learned this in therapy. For almost three years my therapist tried to tell me my husband was not going to change and I couldn’t change him. She hoped I could completely heal by someday leaving him. Whether it ended in divorce or not she didn’t really care, only that it would provide a way and the only way for me to completely heal. I had to get away from my abuser…the one that made me co-dependent. I was stubborn and would not leave him…yet.

During therapy she would play relaxing music and I would drift into a deep relaxed state where she revealed to me the things that were keeping me caged and bound in the place I was in. We would transition from one topic to another and enter and leave the session by closing my eyes and reaching for the door to open into a safe peace of mind, away from the abuse and fear.

Long after therapy, I started opening a door in my mind as a way to enter into my nightly prayer time. I would lay down, relax, take a deep breath and open the door. I wanted to enter into the peaceful place where God was. I wanted to imagine myself walking into a Garden so I could be close to God when I prayed. I did this for months and each time felt closer and closer to God as I went along. My prayers were more like conversations and my inner feelings were starting to come out more.

Until one night everything changed. I don’t remember the day being any different from any other. I was still dealing with the unexpected anger issues from my husband that had plagued our marriage almost from the very beginning. The Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde author must have been psychic because it was exactly what I was going thru on a daily basis as I saw my husband express his anger in ways that would make you cringe.

This night as I started to relax and look for the door, it was as though the non-room where the door was had changed. I felt myself walk around the room looking for the door but could not find one. After several minutes of looking for this imaginative door, I began to cry. At first I could not understand what was keeping me from entering the presence of God and then why. I went thru the last few days thinking I had sin I needed to confess and I couldn’t think of anything major so I prayed quickly to have God reveal any to me so I could confess it and give it to Him. But nothing came to mind. As I cried harder and harder I suddenly felt a very strong warm hug flow throughout my body. My crying stopped. I sat straight up in bed and was afraid that someone had grabbed me, It felt that real. I soon realized it was God although a hot flash did cross my mind.

My fears were met with a stern voice from God. He simply said “Child, why do you look for a door?. Do you not remember I AM with you always?” At first I was mesmerized and confused. I didn’t understand what He meant by there not being a door. I had been opening that door for some time now and I wanted to continue to open it. I thought it was the barrier that kept me safe. Again God told me “There is no door”! This time I understood it. It was a “Duh” moment. God was telling me there is nothing between Him and me at any time. Real or imaginary. I was mad at myself for placing a barrier between God and myself. There are so many uncontrolled barriers we face and I had put one there on purpose. I felt dumb and elated all at the same time. Now the barrier is gone, my Father is only a voice away and as I get closer and closer to him, He reveals silly things like this to me all the time. God is Awesome…Let Him be the Awesome God He wants to be for you too.

Smarter?

I’ve been below the radar for a few days dealing with this colder than normal weather and my symptoms that get worse at will. Although I am in the central Florida area, it is colder than usual. I feel my illness getting worse as time goes by but I am at a loss to get significant relief. Nothing the medical community suggests seems to ease it back for more than a few hours at a time. And while I am grateful for that short time of relief, remembering them is difficult because they are so few. Some days it feels like I’m holding off a raging fire while others feel like being in a state of rigor mortis. Having studied Forensic Pathology for a short time, many years ago, that is the analogy I used when my doctors would ask me what my body felt like. That was before my diagnosis but I still use the term “rigors” when people ask me how I feel on my bad days. The people that are familiar with the term do get it while the others just schlep it off.

I have been dealing with my mom’s bad attitude and regular outbursts of anger, racism and general disgust. My parents and sister asked me to move back in to the family home several years ago. It was actually a scheme by my sister so she wouldn’t be the one to deal with the folks alone. I was divorced, children grown and I made the move. I had no idea what I was getting into but I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to reconnect with all of them. That said, my mom has always been a highly opinionated person, which can be refreshing at times. But when she watches TV, which is mostly all she does these days, she talks back to it.

At first I thought it was just news shows, especially Fox. But then I noticed it was all shows. Even the game shows. So, we have been pointing out her behavior to her. I incorrectly thought she would take notice and change her behavior. Stop laughing! I would have checked myself if it were me. But this week, while I was reading my devotional and praying, God made something very aware to me. We were going about it all wrong. The bible has tons of examples of how to deal with many different types of conflict. There was no love in our behavior either. We were being judgmental and borderline confrontational to her. And while I don’t have an exact answer about how to deal with this yet, I do know that the old way wasn’t working (Duh!) and the new way should be here soon. I have trusted God for too long not to think He won’t come through. He always does. I think we have to learn what we were doing wrong first, before we can learn a better way.

Now back to the slight crush. I use to think that I could pray for God to show me what He wants. And while I still believe He can, I also believe He does things differently from time to time to teach us more about Him. So instead of asking Him to show me my future or something like that, I asked Him to remove the desires He doesn’t want me to have. It is looking for the same result but going about it a different way. It is a mind change and that is part of salvation.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Stay safe and God bless.