Co-dependency was a joke to me. I didn’t understand it completely so I thought it was a controllable state of mind. Little did I know that it was a conditioned state of mind not of my own doing. I learned this in therapy. For almost three years my therapist tried to tell me my husband was not going to change and I couldn’t change him. She hoped I could completely heal by someday leaving him. Whether it ended in divorce or not she didn’t really care, only that it would provide a way and the only way for me to completely heal. I had to get away from my abuser…the one that made me co-dependent. I was stubborn and would not leave him…yet.
During therapy she would play relaxing music and I would drift into a deep relaxed state where she revealed to me the things that were keeping me caged and bound in the place I was in. We would transition from one topic to another and enter and leave the session by closing my eyes and reaching for the door to open into a safe peace of mind, away from the abuse and fear.
Long after therapy, I started opening a door in my mind as a way to enter into my nightly prayer time. I would lay down, relax, take a deep breath and open the door. I wanted to enter into the peaceful place where God was. I wanted to imagine myself walking into a Garden so I could be close to God when I prayed. I did this for months and each time felt closer and closer to God as I went along. My prayers were more like conversations and my inner feelings were starting to come out more.
Until one night everything changed. I don’t remember the day being any different from any other. I was still dealing with the unexpected anger issues from my husband that had plagued our marriage almost from the very beginning. The Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde author must have been psychic because it was exactly what I was going thru on a daily basis as I saw my husband express his anger in ways that would make you cringe.
This night as I started to relax and look for the door, it was as though the non-room where the door was had changed. I felt myself walk around the room looking for the door but could not find one. After several minutes of looking for this imaginative door, I began to cry. At first I could not understand what was keeping me from entering the presence of God and then why. I went thru the last few days thinking I had sin I needed to confess and I couldn’t think of anything major so I prayed quickly to have God reveal any to me so I could confess it and give it to Him. But nothing came to mind. As I cried harder and harder I suddenly felt a very strong warm hug flow throughout my body. My crying stopped. I sat straight up in bed and was afraid that someone had grabbed me, It felt that real. I soon realized it was God although a hot flash did cross my mind.
My fears were met with a stern voice from God. He simply said “Child, why do you look for a door?. Do you not remember I AM with you always?” At first I was mesmerized and confused. I didn’t understand what He meant by there not being a door. I had been opening that door for some time now and I wanted to continue to open it. I thought it was the barrier that kept me safe. Again God told me “There is no door”! This time I understood it. It was a “Duh” moment. God was telling me there is nothing between Him and me at any time. Real or imaginary. I was mad at myself for placing a barrier between God and myself. There are so many uncontrolled barriers we face and I had put one there on purpose. I felt dumb and elated all at the same time. Now the barrier is gone, my Father is only a voice away and as I get closer and closer to him, He reveals silly things like this to me all the time. God is Awesome…Let Him be the Awesome God He wants to be for you too.