So, why am I crying?

Just when you think you’ve healed all you can, this happens. Don’t get me wrong, hearing that the young husband of an in-law’s niece got saved tonight is absolutely miraculous, amazing and wonderful. Knowing that I prayed for years for my ex to one day “get it” and all he would do was to fake it…I don’t like crying for that mess. Yes, I know, I learned from it all and it wasn’t really about me anyway. But I had hoped and dreamed and prayed that at this age, 54, we would be slowing down and planning to retire soon and enjoy the rest of our lives together. It didn’t happen that way. He decided he had faked it long enough and wanted to live his life his way. Not that he hadn’t been doing that for 30 years anyway. It’s not like I was a nag or a cheat. I cherished the ground he walked on, for some reason. He never appreciated anyone. I don’t know why I thought I or his own children would be any different.

Mental illness is so misunderstood and under researched. Not that he would have accepted any help of any kind. We tried counseling several times and he would either quit going saying it wasn’t making me better (lol) or the counselor would tell him that until he is willing to accept his bad behavior being under his control, we were wasting our time. Thankfully I kept going and she was able to help me get over the years of trauma that he had caused and she taught me how to effectively stand up to his bullying.

Well, that was the reason for my mini-crying blast this evening. Just wanted to vent and share. Do some research on narcissism to make sure you are not with someone like this. It is very subtle and barely noticeable at first.

Stay safe and God bless.

“What are you doing?”

I can remember my mom asking me that question. It was usually when things got quiet in the house. I would always reply to her with one simple word, “nothing”. That’s when she knew she’d better find out what my “nothing” was. It was usually something mom wouldn’t like. When I recently spent a month with my daughter and her family, I asked my youngest granddaughter that same question. She also said “nothing”. Even if she had been sleeping or sitting staring out a window, which she doesn’t do because she would fall asleep, she could reply of those things. I told her she was at least “breathing”, and that it isn’t possible to be doing nothing. Sometime later after my return home, my daughter called me to say she had asked her that question. My granddaughters reply to her mom was, “breathing”. Ha, that’s my girl…lol.

But think about it. When I sit and do nothing, I feel guilty. Could I be so conditioned by our society to be busy and to be doing something, that I cannot do nothing without feeling like there is something I need to be doing?! I could be reading today or even take a short nap but when I sit down and look around, it feels like I should be working doing something. Breakfast was cleaned up after, there’s supper to get ready for but it’s too early to prep, I cleaned house already but I still feel guilty about doing nothing.

I’m pretty sure this comes from at least two avenues. First being that with Fibromyalgia and two different Arthritis’ the last thing I want anyone to think of me is that I’m lazy. The other side of that is the belief that I don’t need help and I can do it myself. Second I’ll give to God because I know the devil has a hand in trying to keep me so busy that I forget about Him. I work myself into a flare and then I have to sit down and with that comes a lot of pain, discomfort and even more guilt. It is an endless cycle with only one way out…Lot’s and lots of prayer.

Father, thank You that I can come to You for everything and You promise to provide. Thank You for Your peace and strength.