I Want More!

I knew I shouldn’t do it. I knew it was a bad idea. But, yes, I did it anyway. I was going through a drawer and saw what I knew were some old poems I wrote when I met my, then to be, husband. As I read through them I realized a few things that have escaped me.

I have a huge capacity to love. This is very evident by the words I chose to use in these poems. Even in the poems, you can see that I was struggling to trust him. Throughout them I seem to be justifying his bad behavior. Why did I allow him to captivate me in a way that made me abandon all reasoning? Why didn’t I dump him like a few that went before him. I cannot live in this regret and expect to be productive and happy. No, I don’t like being alone. I have enjoyed having a loving man beside me, but during the last several years of our marriage, his love was quickly being replaced by something I have yet to be able to name.

He had alienated me from all of my friends, one at a time. If the friend was attractive, he would make at pass at her. If the friend wasn’t attractive, he would insult her. They didn’t tell me what was going on and I didn’t see it happening. As I look back, I can see somewhat of a pattern. Why didn’t I do something to stop it? Surely I didn’t justify what he did? When we separated, most of our friends were actually his friends. If it hadn’t been for my children, church family and co-worker’s, I would have been completely alone.

So I will move past the pain and things these poems continue to create. One day I hope to post them. I thought I was ready but clearly there needs to be more healing. More positive reflections, more prayers and more self forgiveness. God is good…all the time!

Stay safe and God bless.

Advertisements

About Donna Lynn

I'm a grandma with Fibromyalgia who loves her family and wants to make a difference, even if it is lots of tiny ones. I live in sunny Florida and enjoy my time with family and friends. I'm living with God leading, hoping to someday make some sense of it all. I give Him the glory as much as I can and I love to share Him with everyone.
This entry was posted in Jesus Christ, Life and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.