I knew I shouldn’t do it. I knew it was a bad idea. But, yes, I did it anyway. I was going through a drawer and saw what I knew were some old poems I wrote when I met my, then to be, husband. As I read through them I realized a few things that have escaped me.
I have a huge capacity to love. This is very evident by the words I chose to use in these poems. Even in the poems, you can see that I was struggling to trust him. Throughout them I seem to be justifying his bad behavior. Why did I allow him to captivate me in a way that made me abandon all reasoning? Why didn’t I dump him like a few that went before him. I cannot live in this regret and expect to be productive and happy. No, I don’t like being alone. I have enjoyed having a loving man beside me, but during the last several years of our marriage, his love was quickly being replaced by something I have yet to be able to name.
He had alienated me from all of my friends, one at a time. If the friend was attractive, he would make at pass at her. If the friend wasn’t attractive, he would insult her. They didn’t tell me what was going on and I didn’t see it happening. As I look back, I can see somewhat of a pattern. Why didn’t I do something to stop it? Surely I didn’t justify what he did? When we separated, most of our friends were actually his friends. If it hadn’t been for my children, church family and co-worker’s, I would have been completely alone.
So I will move past the pain and things these poems continue to create. One day I hope to post them. I thought I was ready but clearly there needs to be more healing. More positive reflections, more prayers and more self forgiveness. God is good…all the time!
Stay safe and God bless.