First things first

After my 29 year marriage to a narcissistic sociopath ended, I didn’t know who I was. I had spent half of my life letting a horrible man, who called himself my husband, turn me into a moneymaking slave for his drug habit and God only knows what else. I recognize my fault in all of that but I am now free. Free to be me. This journey is a day to day struggle to learn what it means to be Me again. Only this time, it will be a far better me. So, I am enjoying this journey regardless of how my day to day blogs may sound. I am in the arms of Jesus as I travel through this ever changing world. And while I don’t always understand it, I know He does and that is enough for me. Thank you Father that you not only have my back but all sides. Help me always give You the glory. In Christ’s name, Amen

For several years now, God has been showing me little glimpses of things. Most recently, He has shown me what it looks like when I love Him more than anyone else in the world. We say we do and we think we do but what He showed me was not even close to what I thought. I have had a crush on a local guy I went to high school with recently. I have asked God to put the man He wants me to be with in front of me to trip over because I’m not looking for him. I do know that God wants me to be with a Godly man of His choice, not mine. I was able to break thru the crush and expectation barriers and see what it really looks like to love God and love Him alone. Not like you love your family but more like you love yourself. I have learned the hard way to love people unconditionally, not because I want to but because God wants me too. Loving Him, His way is completely different than anything I have ever experienced. I don’t even know if I can describe it. Actually I can’t. I can however describe how I felt the moment I realized what was happening. The word glorious comes to mind first. I felt as though I didn’t have a care in the world. Like I was on cloud 9 above the world. Like my soul was so completely at peace and my heart was so warm and content.  It is very peaceful and assuring, surprising and mysterious, fulfilled and forgiven, and completely and totally loved. I wish I had better words. A better explanation. But I don’t. There are no words. It’s like John when he was on Patmos trying to describe heaven and the end days. Hopefully my smile and my changed outlook on life and love will shine thru in a way to be a blessing. Thank you Father, You are marvelous!

This weather hurts my body. On top of the cold nasty wet damp rainy junk, I stopped taking my MR on Monday. Why you ask. Mostly because I think it is causing other problems I want to eliminate more than the pain. I know that sounds wrong but I don’t know what else to do. I feel stuck and it is getting worse. Not just the pain but the fatigue. I don’t like having to do what this disease tells me I can and cannot do. Yes I give it to God but I guess I need to do a better job of that.

So that is that. I actually combined a few thoughts in one slightly longer blog than having a few shorter ones.

Goodnight and God bless!

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