When I sat down to write this post, I had several rants on my mind. But I decided not to give them life. Instead I am choosing to write about the opposite views. Please forgive the lies and look for the silver linings instead.
People are inherently wonderful!
Our kids have a wonderful world to grow up in!
Evil doesn’t exist any more!
No more bullies or sexual harasses anywhere!
Everyone speaks kind words and does good deeds for each other!
Stay safe and God bless…
Before the sun greets the day, Under the gentle pull of the moon, Beneath the bright starry night…Without regret, With forgiven hearts, Upon grace filled souls…We pray to the Lord.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NKJV) says to “pray without ceasing”. I have a strong longing to be in constant prayer. It is my earthly connection to God my Father. It is almost like holding His hand. Almost like feeling His presence. I know He is always next to me but when I am in conversation with Him, I feel closest to Him. I know He is with me always but it is more intimate than just knowing He is here. It is hard to explain. My longing wants to be in His presence constantly. I want to see His face. I want to memorize every line, every vein, every wrinkle, every hair. I want to feel the warmth of His hand. I want to hear the tones of His voice. I want to see the colors in His eyes.
Suddenly this desire isn’t so tiny.
I know I was in a bad mood and hurting Saturday night at church but what I heard from people really made me bite my tongue. I wanted to call them out on what I heard them saying. But I listened to God and shut my mouth.
I heard one man telling a story about his daughter and he repeatedly called her his “dumb” daughter. It was rolling off of his tongue like it was normal. When people ask me how my mom is, sometimes depending on who it is, I’ll say she is ornery. She is and will tell you she is but I don’t harp on it or say it more than once. I then follow it up with how she is doing.
I heard a woman talking to another woman about how stupid a cashier was at her store. She went on and on about how she made mistakes several times while she was there. It didn’t matter to her how that cashier’s day was going. It didn’t matter what she was going through that no one could see. It didn’t matter that she is human. But this woman calls herself a Christian, who by definition isn’t perfect.
I saved the worst for last.
The woman behind us was telling the pastor about her nephew, I think. She explained how he had asked a girl to the prom. Then one day they were talking and he said something that made her tell him that she is an atheist. He told her the prom was off. He stood up for Jesus and the family was proud of him. But she went on to say that because he wears his heart on his sleeve and hasn’t dealt very much with death and other life issues that he would make a horrible pastor, which he is aspiring to be. I wanted to tell her “how dare you try to take God’s place”. What in the world! Why would anyone claiming to be a Christian be so narrow-minded and cruel.
I don’t understand people. I don’t understand why He shut me up. Probably because they wouldn’t have listened to me anyway. I’m sure He has a better idea and way to deal with this. Maybe I’m concerned about something I shouldn’t be. Maybe I was being over sensitive. Maybe it isn’t any of my business. Maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’m more aware of the things I say and do. Maybe my wanting to please God every minute of every day has tainted my view of people somehow. Could I be seeing too much? Could I be too critical of how people act and what they say? Could I have it wrong?
My friend Kim and I will visit for a few hours on a Friday afternoon or two a month just to talk and catch up on each other’s lives. It is our time to vent, rejoice and cry.
During one of our visits I said “I feel like I let God down”. She gave me the strangest look. After a minute or so, she said ” how were you holding Him up? “. Then I got the strange look on my face.
How indeed?! Am I that powerful or better yet, that Good? Then I felt dumb for thinking I could hold God up. As though I have a righteous hand. What was I thinking… lol.
When all was said and done, I came away with a great deal of relief and humility. The pressure was off and I felt my immortality. Feeling completely human and fallible brought me to my knees and a place of vulnerability. I had reentered the Throne Room and fallen on my face before God.
Oh man, I hate having my own advise thrown back at me. OK, I’ll put on a strong front and jump right in. Well, maybe a few little hops here and there instead. And the armor, well, that doesn’t exist.
Three years ago my world changed. For the better but still a major change. I lost all of my contact information. I was able to get contact information for family of course and most of my friends know my family, so I got theirs too. And there were a few I found with the help of Facebook. Now I am feeling the nudge to reconnect with the lost friends but I fear the “what took you so long” barrage of questions. Mostly because I don’t have an answer.
So maybe one at a time and see how it goes. I had become friends with one of my hospice patients. A very sweet lady who took complete care of her husband right up until he passed away. I would visit her several evenings a week and help her with different things pertaining to her husbands care. For hospice, I was mostly there for moral support but as we became more and more friends, I couldn’t help but help her out.
The day he passed away, I phoned to speak to her. Her daughter-in-law answered the phone. I was told that the family had everything under control and they didn’t need me. I was hurt, of course, but I also understand the dynamics of family and dealing with the death of a loved one. So I backed off and gave it a few weeks.
One day I decided to pay her a visit. We cried and hugged and she asked me where I’ve been. I told her what I was told and she was horrified. She had looked forward to seeing me and my continuing to be her moral support. I was crushed and vowed at that moment to never take the word for anyone from someone else.
So now as I remember how great it was to catch back up with her, I am reminded of the friends I need to contact and I’m not looking forward to their reactions. When the crap hit the proverbial fan three years ago, it was to them, as if I fell off the face of the earth. You see, they were my online co-workers. When that happened and for a few years after that, I didn’t have a computer and I couldn’t find my notebook where I wrote everything down. Only recently while going through a few boxes did I find the notebook. I stare at it everyday knowing the next day won’t magically make it easier. Then I wonder if I should even bother. Maybe it would be better to just let things be.